Setting boundaries is something we do as second nature. We have them in all areas of our life: financial, physical, sexual, emotional, with family and friends, at work etc.
Closely linked to our upbringing and usually reflecting our values, boundaries allow everyone to know where they stand. Never be afraid to set boundaries as they help to improve your relationship with yourself and with others.
Why do we need to set them?
Boundaries form an important part of your self-care. When you become an unpaid carer, (someone who cares for a relative in the home) new boundaries are needed that take into account your new roles and responsibilities. Being an unpaid carer changes your relationship and it’s important to have new boundaries that help to create harmony and manage expectations. These new boundaries will also help you to identify what is and isn’t possible.
Boundaries help to improve relationships and they also help us to:-
- manage the expectations of others
- build self-respect
- strengthen our self-esteem
- support our emotional self-care.
Difficulties can occur when boundaries are not clearly defined. This is when assumptions are made about what the boundaries are.
Carers and Boundaries
When you’re caring for a family member, boundary lines can sometimes become blurred. One or both of you may start to feel uncomfortable about events, situations or a reduction in privacy. The relationship feels misaligned, and some situations can feel awkward. You both want slightly different things from this new relationship. As soon as either of you starts to feel this way, a conversation and listening to each other is the best way forward.
Setting Boundaries
If you’re a people pleaser you will probably find setting boundaries difficult. One reason many people don’t set boundaries is fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being misunderstood. Feelings of guilt may also arise because you’re not available when someone needs you or you don’t feel able to give the support needed or requested. Feeling guilty or fearful are never healthy reasons for doing things and can often lead to feelings of stress, anxiety or resentment.
As the carer, as soon as you feel that boundary lines are becoming blurred here are some things that you can do:
1. Suggest that you both have a chat about how things are going for you both. This will help to clear the air and give you both an opportunity to say how you feel. It will also help you to relieve stress.
2. Decide what you want to achieve from this conversation. If you think it will be a difficult conversation, make notes of what you want to say and be prepared to be assertive, but with kindness, to help the other person appreciate that you mean what you say.
3. Listen to each other and respect each other’s views. You may both want different things, which is OK and you may both need to make some compromises.
4. Once boundaries have been agreed, be consistent and stick to your guns. It’s easy to slip back into old patterns of behaviour.
5. Arrange to have regular chats to check in on each other and find out how you are both feeling about your caring role and the life of the person you are caring for.
Setting Boundaries for Self-care
Setting boundaries form an important part of your self-care and setting them for yourself is just as important as setting them for others. Boundaries help to support your mental, physical and emotional health. For instance, set your boundaries around how much time you spend on social media, how often you eat unhealthy food, how much time you are available to others etc.
Setting boundaries is one of the topics I help people with during my Calm and Clarity Hours. We discuss actions you can take and strategies you can adopt to set boundaries that work for you and your situation so that you can feel confident with your decisions. You can find out more about my Calm and Clarity Hour here.
About Sharon
Sharon lives with her partner Geoff in Warwickshire, and they have two adult children. She worked for over 25 years in an office environment, gaining qualifications to degree level in finance, business, and management. While there Sharon witnessed and experienced many stressful situations and suffered illnesses that were stress-related.
Sharon was advised to make some changes to her lifestyle which included trying complementary therapies. After experiencing the benefits of complementary treatments, Sharon decided to retrain and share her knowledge and experiences to help others recognise and manage their own physical and emotional stress and anxiety levels.
She has been working as a complementary therapist for over 15 years now and loves helping people manage and reduce their stress levels to feel uplifted, focused, positive and empowered about their lives.
